How to Hire A Vampire Consultant Read online

  Too bad she couldn't make me feel this focused all the time.

  I felt something click into place. It felt like fitting together two complicated Lego creations, and that perfect, satisfying click when everything finally snaps into place just right to form the final project. Nice!

  It was a strange feeling, like for that instant, my ability had clicked into hers, which had clicked at the same time into so many others: all our coworkers, all at once, working together, aiming for the same goal.

  There was a loud, gooey, slurping sound and a bunch of nearly simultaneous thumps, and suddenly the library—so quiet, so pristine—was filled with people and slime and noise and stink.

  So much stink. And there they were! Back with us in the library.

  So many people, even more than we'd lost, some of them with old-fashioned looking clothes partially dissolved by slime. It looked like a bunch of pissed of re-enactors had arrived with our staff. But I was betting they were the real deal. Thumped around the library like ragdolls, all sorts of people, covered in goo, looking pissed off and triumphant and everything in between, and so very real.

  I saw a woman's face screw up in sudden tears. She was covered in nearly-translucent gray slime, and with a feeling of shock, I recognized her: the always-pulled together Tabitha, who worked with the files. She was a mess right now.

  They all were. But it looked like everybody was alive. There was lots of slime, but I didn't see blood. That had to be a good sign, right?

  I didn't have time to do a proper headcount. Beatrice and I were both moving forward to see how we could help. Not that I particularly wanted to touch that slime. But, you know, after a dead gollot, this wasn't so bad.

  As Beatrice rushed to embrace Tabitha, she was crying, too.

  Shit. I still didn't know how we'd done it, but it looked like...Beatrice and I had saved the day. With Barnaby's help, of course. Imagine that. The three of us were goddamned heroes.

  I adjusted my cuffs, feeling tall and noble. Then I went to go see who else needed help. After all, I was a hero, if only for today.

  Unsurprisingly, I didn't have to take charge. The returned agents were more than happy to do that, issuing orders for water and first aid kits. I was on the hop, as usual, following orders.

  I sought out Travis as soon as I had the chance. There he was, covered in slime. "What happened?" I asked. "When it ate you?"

  He waved me away. "Not now! I need a shower!" He headed towards the nearest bathroom, followed shortly by several others who realized where he was going.

  I hoped Barnaby and I hadn't left any evidence in the bathroom.

  NO, I DIDN'T GET ANY time knocked off my parole. They didn't cut me any slack at all. Filling out the forms about what had happened proved to be a chore and a half. I also had to try to justify trusting a vampire in the first place. Even though it had worked out well, they weren't pleased with me about that.

  Then I had to explain the dead gollot. Nobody was happy with me about that, and my idea that it was really Beatrice's fault didn't seem to hold much water for anyone but me. I was sure Barnaby could have explained it better, if he'd been here. But he wasn't.

  Also, and possibly worst of all, I had to do a lot of the library clean-up. (So. Much. Slime!) It was disgusting, and it had gotten everywhere. There was a lot to clean. Obviously, experts took care of the precious old books, but that left plenty of leather furniture and big open floors and weird nooks and crannies for me to scrub on hands and knees. Pretty sure it was to punish me, not because they didn't have better cleaning options.

  The PRA was a hectic place, with lots going on these days. If I'd been less busy, I might've even taken another crack at the security system and the treasures it protected. But they kept the tight ship running, and me on the hop.

  I discovered a few really old coins and one strange little artifact during my cleaning, which I pocketed as some small payment for my labors. It didn't make up for the work, though.

  At least I didn't have to catch any monsters now. No more field work for good ol' Steve, who didn't know a gollot from a gilzni (giant carp thing, as it turned out). Their faith in me could have been a little bit higher, especially after I'd helped save their collective asses. But I was glad to get out of field work, all the same. I'd had my fill of them recently.

  As well, the cafeteria was back in action, so we once again had food fit to eat, instead of trying to grab a bite between emergencies. With only two people running the whole show together, there had been precious few proper meals.

  As for my coworkers, their ordeal had been something like what Barnaby had told me about, a surreal and horrifying experience trapped in the belly of a metaphysical beast. I was glad I hadn't had to live through it.

  Hearing more about the victims was interesting. A few of them were actually from centuries ago. None of them had been there long, so the beast really did travel in time, snatching up people here and there who had special abilities.

  The people from other time periods would have a lot of adjusting to do, but at least they were alive. It was kind of neat to meet a real 16th century "witch," even if we couldn't actually understand each other. That was lucky all round—lucky for the PRA to get to learn about history from someone who'd lived it, and lucky for the "witch" to escape persecution.

  I wondered if Beatrice had worked her luck for that, too, because she seemed awfully excited about everything they could learn. But maybe I was giving her too much credit.

  THE PRA WANTED TO FIGURE out how to capture and contain the ghost-trap creature. This was a new threat to deal with, to avoid getting snatched by again and slowly digested for our power-juice (or whatever). They wanted to capture, contain, or neutralize it. The good old PRA, thinking everything can be classified, studied, and fixed.

  To give them their due, they were often right. I just wasn't sure that was how I was ever going to see the world. Things for me were a lot more...flexible. As well as damned confusing. I'd never felt like I could understand or control things well, even my own power. Life was one big roller coaster. I was here for the ride, but under no illusion that I was steering.

  Speaking of flexible. Where was Barnaby? He could've at least come and volunteer to help me clean the library. Probably why he was staying away! Or maybe he'd changed his mind about seeing more of me. Either way, I had to respect his decision.

  Didn't have much choice, seeing I didn't have his number and didn't know where to look for him.

  Not that I got out basically at all. They kept me on a short leash, even without knowing all that had gone down between us. I wasn't confined to my quarters or anything, but I certainly didn't have the energy to go traipsing around the city looking for Barnaby after I finished my chores—or have the least idea where to look.

  I'd also have felt stupid looking for him. A vampire could certainly avoid being found unless he damned well wanted to be. As for finding me...well, I wasn't exactly hiding, was I? He hadn't been around, so I had to assume he'd changed his mind about seeing me again. A kick in the teeth, sure, but I knew I shouldn't be surprised, or care so much.

  He had better options, no doubt.

  I was grumbling about the chores one day to Beatrice, who at least had the decency to help in the library. She looked embarrassed. "Well, I should admit I put your name forward to help with the cleanup, Steven. I thought it would be a nice break for you. You seemed so stressed when you had to handle the field work by yourself."

  Great. With friends like these...

  "What's the deal with you and Tabitha, anyway?" I asked. If it was her fault I was doing cleanup, then I didn't have to be circumspect about her love life.

  "I'm not sure that's any of your business." But she blushed when she said it. I'd noticed the two of them together at some cafeteria meals, sitting together, talking while their food grew cold. Forgetting they weren't the only two people in the world. Must be nice.

  "I'm sure it's not. But that hasn't stopped me yet." I grinned and wagg
led my eyebrows at her. "You could do worse." Tabitha was a pretty classy gal. Even I could see that.

  Beatrice looked like she wanted to say something, possibly using salty language, but she remembered in time that she was a librarian first and foremost. She pressed her lips together and merely looked reproachful.

  I probably shouldn't tease her too much, in case she ever found out about me and Barnaby. Not that there seemed to be anything to find out now.

  I tried to convince myself I hadn't really expected to hear from him. We'd been ships in the night, a casual thing.

  Even though I'd thought it might be more than that at the time. I wasn't exactly a relationship expert, now was I?

  ONE AFTERNOON DURING my lunch break, Travis approached me sheepishly. It was an unusual look for him, so I paid attention.

  "Steve." He cleared his throat. "I promised I'd ask. Do you want Johnson's phone number? He was pretty insistent that I at least offer it to you."

  "What? Yes, of course! Give it here!" I snatched the scrap of paper from his hand. Someone had scrawled a phone number on it. Of course my vampire pal would have a phone. Why wouldn't he? He had a driver's license.

  And why hadn't we thought to exchange phone numbers before we had sex? Maybe because we'd been too preoccupied, but maybe because we hadn't meant to see or talk to each other ever again. Maybe that wasn't the case after all, if he wanted me to call him.

  "Thanks." I looked at Travis, who still seemed awkward. "How'd he convince you? I know how much you like Johnson." I grinned a little at his discomfort. It was the least he could feel, the bastard, after leaving me, the hero, with so much clean-up. (I was definitely the hero.)

  "He promised never to try to drink my blood again," mumbled Travis.

  "Really? Why didn't he just ask for me at the door?" Sure, I was on a short leash now that my coworkers were back, but really.

  Travis scratched at his scruffy beard and shrugged uneasily. "I may have turned him away once or twice already."

  "Well, that was shitty of you." I glared at Travis and started to walk away, ready to make a phone call.

  "Wait, really? You're into the vampire?" called Travis. "I thought even you had better taste!"

  "What the hell do you know about taste?" I could have told him a few things about taste, not to mention scruffy beards. But I was busy punching numbers into my phone. "And the guy saved your life. You should be offering him a blood donation every week if that's what he wants."

  "We paid him. He should be satisfied with that." Travis walked away in a huff. But he looked uneasy, like he knew he'd messed up.

  "Hello?" Barnaby answered on the first ring. He sounded so uncertain. I wondered if he'd been eagerly waiting for my call. Or maybe dreading it.

  I felt a lot less sure of myself than I liked, even after hearing what he'd promised Travis in exchange for this call. I spoke quickly, before I could lose my nerve. "It's me, Steve. Are you okay?"

  "Yeah. Of course. Why wouldn't I be?" His laugh was definitely fake.

  "Because you didn't have my phone number and Travis turned you away twice?" I guessed.

  "Well...yeah...but I'm definitely okay. How about you? Are you okay?"

  "Yeah. They're making me clean up the library, though. I thought you might have dropped by and offered to help. Hint, hint."

  He laughed wryly. "They won't let me in the building, Steve."

  Well, that was shitty, but I guess I couldn't say I was surprised. It was good to hear his voice, though, and his laugh. "So, do you want to meet up again sometime, when I can get away?"

  "Wouldn't miss it for the world."

  I could hear the grin in his voice, and it relieved me no end. It was so good to hear his voice. "Great. We're on the same page."

  "Really? The same page? The vampire and the time-guy, on the same page? How's that for a coincidence?" he teased.

  "Just lucky, I guess."

  I briefly wondered if Beatrice would have stretched her luck to bring Barnaby back into my life, then discarded the idea. She didn't know he meant anything to me. Right? How long I'd be able to keep it a secret, now that Travis knew, was anyone's guess. Probably not long, but I'd worry about that later.

  "Oh? Are you feeling particularly lucky tonight?" teased Barnaby.

  "A gentleman never presumes," I said haughtily. "But I'd like to see you." I gulped back the sudden panic that I was being too open about what I wanted. But I just couldn't play coy with him. I hurried on. "I promise not to freeze time on you unless it's life or death and I have no choice."

  There, that should be a good enough promise for anyone. I didn't know if I could keep that promise—hell, or any promise—but right now it felt more than possible. It felt like I could be the best version of myself, with him in my life.

  Actually, I was pretty thrilled about it. Sure, he was a vampire, but so what? He accepted me the way I was, not expecting me to be someone else. That actually made me want to be the best version of myself that I could. Kinda philosophical for me, and maybe reading too much into this.

  His laugh was swift and cute. My twink-pire. Oh yeah. This was going good places, I could already tell. And if I was jumping the gun...well, look before you leap was never exactly my life motto. I'd just have to deal with the consequences later.

  Barnaby said, "And I promise not to suck your blood...unless I'm really hungry for cabbage."

  "You jerk!" I reminded myself of shower sex. I closed my eyes and bit my lip. "Did you really promise not to try to suck Travis's blood?" Just so you could talk to me?

  "Well, I wasn't ever going to actually get to anyway." Barnaby sounded awkward now, almost shy. "And I needed to talk to you. Make sure we were on the same page, I guess."

  "Yeah, or you just missed me. You missed all of this." I gestured cockily to myself, even though he couldn't see me. I was almost giddy. My grin spread wide as I added, "I'll come see you tonight, if you want. Are you ready to show me your apartment, or should we get a room?" I was being pushy, but it seemed like the time with the hot iron—time to make my move.

  "Pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?" He laughed.

  "Nope. Not at all. We can braid each other's hair and eat takeout if you want."

  "I don't like takeout. Vampire, remember?"

  "We could rob a blood bank," I offered. "A different sort of takeout."

  "Now that sounds like a date," he said in the same teasing tone. "Meet me out front tonight around six, if you can get away by then. I promise I'll make it worth your while."

  "Promises, promises," I sang.

  "You dork." He hung up on me, laughing.

  I LEFT THE BUILDING at six, on the dot, and fuck anyone who said I shouldn't hang out with a vampire. They weren't my dad, man.

  Surprisingly, Beatrice had stood up for me. Said I should be allowed to see anyone I wanted, and that Barnaby was "perfectly respectable, for a vampire." I'd have to tell him about that, sometime.

  Anyway, in the end, they had no grounds to stop me. I finished my chores for the day and made it out front in time. It was dusk, and the shadows were getting long. Barnaby was waiting for me, looking cool yet slightly ridiculous, still bundled up in his duster, hat, and sunglasses. He clearly wasn't taking any risks with sunburn.

  He smiled as he saw me and straightened up, ready to greet me, ready to date me.

  "It'll be dark soon, and you can take those off," I observed.

  "I bet you say that to all the boys," he retorted, grinning.

  His long black duster fell open, and I saw he was wearing blue underneath. Blue jeans, a sleek blue dress shirt that made him look like a model, and a silky blue scarf to protect his pale, slim neck.

  He was beautiful in blue, just like I'd thought.

  For a moment, my heartbeat stuttered, then it continued on stronger than ever, pounding my pulse everywhere. I felt excited and glad to be alive. Ready for good things to come.

  A big, silly grin was growing on my face. "Nope. Just you." I kissed him befo
re he could say another word, then hooked my arm through his.

  Together, we walked down the big stone steps and out into the city.

  the end

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